I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
