I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
