I can tuck mytits in my pants
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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