I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
