So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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