Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
