Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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