if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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