Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
