Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
