Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
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