Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
