Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
