You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
