i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
