??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
