he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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