in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
