Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Drake has all the answers
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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