So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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