im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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