I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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