Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
