you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
