Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize