I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
