if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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