I hate all girls vehemently.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
