she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Please don't give away my fajitas
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
