I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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