so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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