My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize