Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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