Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
At least life still wants to fuck me.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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