i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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