so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
