I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
That's when you crack a 10am beer
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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