just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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