i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
