Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
