They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
