Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
