My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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