anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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