You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
