At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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