He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize