God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
