What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
