last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
