every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
