I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Randomize
