things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
