Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
