Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
