if i can run in heels then i can drive
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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