I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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