I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
