i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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