the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
